Changing our thoughts, feelings and behaviors can be so challenging. But why? What causes the process of transformation to be so difficult?
Let’s think about this using my five favorite words: Clarity, Commitment, Courage, Compassion and Confidence.
Clarity
Have you ever tried to look through glasses with scratched lenses? At first it is annoying but over time you get used to it and your brain adjusts to looking through the scratches. The scratches are there obstructing your view, but you become accustomed to seeing with a scratched perspective.
At times you may be looking at your problems through scratched lenses, which limits your clarity regarding appropriate changes you can make. Clarity can be distorted by past pain or hurt, irrational thoughts, feelings of fear or rejection. Clarity can be improved by many things, but one of the most helpful is to process with a trusted, nonjudgmental advisor, counselor or friend. This experience can provide you with space you need to see your situation with new eyes. The key is to be aware of your scratches so that you can consciously choose a new perspective.
Commitment
Life can be distracting. There are so many things that demand our attention and energy. Making a commitment can be one helpful strategy for staying on your path of change. Keep the commitment very simple. Change is not about trying to tackle every possible issue at once. Transformation typically comes is very small, incremental steps.
For example, improving your conflict communication with your partner or love one. Commit to asking more questions rather than making statements or giving advice. Don’t try to tackle learning every possible communication technique available. Make a simple commitment to ask more questions.
Courage
Courage is about having more heart in the face of fear and uncertainty. Your brain is designed to protect you from fear. Fight, flight or freeze. Making change in your life is full of uncertainty. Your brain goes to work to keep you safe and avoid making changes that might result in more uncertainty. If you can get clear in your heart (thoughts, beliefs and feelings) about why a particular change is necessary to improve your life, you might increase the level of courage you have to push forward when your brain is screaming for status quo.
Compassion
It is important to realize that making changes in your life involves victories and defeats. One day you may experience a victorious breakthrough in your understanding and approach to a problem. The next day you my fail miserably. Please have some compassion for yourself. Recognize that you are trying to change and improve your life and it will not be a perfect process. Be patient and practice compassion. Failures can trigger shame (“I am bad”). Shame is one of the experiences that can derail any transformation process. You can combat shame with compassion by remembering that you are uniquely awesome and some days will be full of victories while others will be full of defeat.
Confidence
Confidence increases when you look at your past achievements. I guarantee that you have so many achievements and if we were sitting having a conversation you could come up with hundreds of examples. When you are making a change in your life, reflect on your past. Where have you made similar changes? What hard things have you made it through? What challenges have you conquered? The goal here is to increase your confidence so that you have the energy to face the current challenge in front of you.
You have what it takes to make change and transformation a reality in your life. Please reach out to someone in your life for support and encouragement. None of us were built to go at life alone. Especially if you are experiencing depression, anxiety, grief, relationship conflict or major life transitions.
