On a daily basis my daughters ask me to solve their problems. “Dad I can’t find my blanket.” “Dad, why is the policeman puling that man over.” “Dad, why do I have to go to school.” You get the idea. Millions of questions asked each day. Their curious minds are so much fun to interact with. It is so easy for me to answer these questions, but I find it doesn’t help them grow in their problem solving skills when I just spoon feed the answer. So most of the time I find myself answering their questions with questions. “Why do you think you have to go to school?” Sometimes my questions are met with resistance, but most of the time their ability to come up with a solution and answer tapes into their inner genius which makes them feel good, competent and smart.
We all face problems throughout the day. Exceptional living comes when we can move through our problems and reach solutions no matter the time or energy required. Sometimes our own problems are enough to deal with and we don’t really need to carry the problems of others. However unless you are going to resign to living as a hermit in a far distant cave you will be faced with helping others solve problems. Helping others solve their problems is a truly great gift we can offer people. Support, empathy and strength are things we all need to receive from others as we face problems. It is a sacred and special gift to offer support to others, especially when they are faced with painful problems. Unfortunately if we are not careful helping others solve their problems it can also be quite problematic for us. I am of no help to someone if I take on their problem and try to solve it for them. Here are some of the messages that can be unconsciously told to someone when we take on their problems.
- You don’t have what it takes to solve this.
- You’re not good enough.
- You’re stupid because you can’t do this.
- You should just give up because there is no way you will figure this out.
I am sure there are many other messages you could come up with. The messages we should try to communicate to others in problem-solving are:
- You are competent to solve this problem.
- You can make it through.
- You have the confidence to find the solution and move forward.
When we are faced with a problem solving situation, we should ask lots of questions that are going to assist the other person in developing “their” possible solutions. There are times for you to input your possible solutions but it will be more empowering for the other person to realize they are competent to come up with the answers.
I was recently listening to a podcast by Dave Ramsey about helping others with problem solving. I found one of his suggestions for problem-solving very enlightening and helpful. He stated that when someone comes to you and says, “we (I) have a problem”, the first thing you should do is visualize a monkey on their shoulder. As they are speaking visualize this monkey jumping off their shoulder on to your desk, table, floor, etc. Your job is to make sure that when the problem-solving discussion is over, the monkey they brought in leaves with them, otherwise by the end of the dayyou will be running a zoo. And you won’t be able to assist other people with a bunch of monkeys running around in your space.
Simple takeaways:
- When people present a problem to you ask them to also give at least 3 solutions before you begin any discussion.
- Ask lots of questions to assist them in discovering solutions.
- Remember you are not a zoo keeper, so all monkeys must leave.
